Monday, October 18, 2010

The Careless Whispers Crystal Ball

Let's take a look into the Careless Whispers crystal ball and get a glimpse of the fun and games that await us ten years into the future:

The World:
1) The U.S. will still be in Afghanistan, and is preparing for an even longer stay by opening a third Hooter's restaurant in Kabul.
2) Saudi Arabian women have given up the burqa and now prefer Snuggies, the "blanket with sleeves," for their suicide bombings.
3) Osama bin Laden is still around and has inked endorsement deals with Ensure and Metamucil. Still competing with Wilford Brimley for those "diabeetus" ads.
4) British prime minister Amy Winehouse has decided that mandatory breast enhancements are "good for the country" since it worked so well for her.
5) Alleged penis-enlarging herbal supplements have become Russia's biggest export, followed by spam emails for these same supplements. Nearly 75% of the supplements go to Japan, with no perceivable improvements.
6) The Greenland ice cap has completely melted, prompting the world to rename it "Whiteland," for some reason.
7) The South American country of Paraguay has been completely converted into an overflow parking lot for Brazil and Argentina.
8) Canada has closed its border with the United States after a Wall Street Journal article asserted that Canadian bacon wasn't really Canadian. Hundreds of south-facing billboards have been put up, reading "SUCK IT HOSERS!"
9) Pope Benedict has a lot of 'splainin' to do after reporters find a huge pile of Underoos behind the Vatican hot tub.

The Nation:
1) Alaska has been declared a quarantined zone, and all in/out travel prohibited. The people just got too damned stupid to deal with. In negotiations with Russia to take it back, at a reduced rate.
2) President Justin Bieber and First Lady Christine O'Donnell urged Congress to pass a bill which would make Medicaid cover costs for annoying haircuts and pointy witch hats.
3) Extreme stupidity has been made illegal. The Advanced Retardation and Stupidity Exclusion measure (also known as the "ARSE Act" and "Sarah's Law"), is due to take effect in 2021, about 350 years too late.
4) North and South Dakota have merged and renamed itself "Moronado." No one noticed. Also, the state of Washington received a makeover and was renamed "Nixon." Everyone moved out the next day.
5) The cities of Washington DC, Philadelphia, New York and Boston have merged into one large metropolitan area. Due to the accents no one can figure out what anyone is saying.
6) All of Texas south of a line connecting Galveston with El Paso has been given back to Mexico. Mexico says "no, thanks."
7) The 93rd Amendment is passed, making marijuana legal in all 50 states. Stock in Frito-Lay shoots up 5000%. Everyone in California wakes up and says, "far out, man!"
8) Gay marriage has also been legalized in all states except Alabama and Mississippi, where people are still required to marry farm animals.
9) The city of Chicago goes from the "City of Broad Shoulders" to the "City of Padded Shoulders" after it erects a 900-foot statue of Joan Crawford in the "No! More! Wire! Hangers!" pose.
10) Scientists announce a cure for conservatism: a really huge bowel movement.

1) Governor-for-life Jan Brewer still looks like shit, only worse. Mexico erects a border fence to keep her in Arizona.
2) Maricopa county Sheriff Joe Arpaio still can't believe he was not re-elected sheriff and has been set up with a desk and a fake telephone in the open desert north of Anthem.
3) Despite an intensive education campaign, the Arizona state legislature still thinks Millard Fillmore is president.
4) The Grand Canyon has been designated a future EPA Superfund site after the legislature okay's the dumping of old tires in the canyon.
5) The state capitol has been moved to a Taco Bell in Gila Bend.
6) In an attempt to get more retirees to move to Arizona, the state moves to install toilets on every street corner.
7) The AIMS test, Arizona's way of testing how well their schools are working, has been tweaked and weakened to the point that it asks only one question, "Why the hell are you still in this state?"
8) State population plummets as fewer and fewer people want to admit they live here.

Popular Culture:
1) Glee is still on television, despite dire warnings of another American Idol Season 16-type massacre.
2) Saturday Night Live started its 45th season by having a moldy piece of bread as co-host and offering a moment of silence for the last time anyone laughed at anything on that show, which was a "Gilley" segment in 2010.
3) The Rolling Stones embark on their 35th "Farewell Tour" as Keith Richards starts to smell really funny.
4) Sylvester Stallone is still flogging the "Rambo" franchise despite finding out in his last movie that firing an AK-47 while in a wheelchair is a really bad idea.
5) The original Saved By The Bell cast members return for a reunion show, Saved By Cheap Canadian Pharmacy Viagra.
6) Paula Abdul takes over as moderator of NBC's Meet The Press. Coffee mugs are replaced with Coke glasses filled with vodka and Percocet.
7) Las Vegas re-invents itself yet again as a fundamentalist-Christian theme park. Attractions include the Carnival of Hypocrisy, Abortion Provider Shooting Gallery, Marry-Your-Cousin wedding chapels, Airport-Restroom Fun House, Walk-On Water Park, Polygamist Playground, Bowling for Bigotry, Guess the Child-Molesting Senator, Liberal-Feminist-Homosexual Whack-A-Mole, Tea Party Nudist Colony, Illegal Campaign Funding Sweepstakes, Ballot Box Stuffing, Family Porn Factory, and the most popular ride of all: Bristol Palin.
8) Andy Dick is still a dick.

No comments:

Post a Comment