Oh I'm not finished yet. 2012 offered an embarrassment of riches when it came to batshit-craziness. To wit:
Most Baffling Cultural Phenomenon: Gangnam Style. Not that I follow popular culture all that closely (yes I do), this "Gangnam Style" thing completley blindsided me. Apparently some South Korean rapper (and I can't quite wrap my head around THAT concept) named Psy came out with this song and accompanying spazzy dance moves which has swept the nation and the world too. I just read where the YouTube video of this has just passed one billion views. That by itself is astonishing and worthy of some kind of recognition, but everything boils down to the question of "Why this?" and not something else? The music is not that remarkable, and the pretend-pony-riding dance step doesn't seem all that inspired, either. In fact, "Gangnam Style" makes the Macarena look like the Bolshoi Ballet. So I'm left scratching my head wondering what the hell is going on. I'm sure this Psy person has had a field day being the center of the world's attention for more than his alloted 15 minutes, but now he's facing the unenviable, Herculean task of coming up with something new and better to surpass this big splash he just made (not likely), or getting thrown on the next bus to oblivion and never being heard from again. We will see if anyone remembers what Gangnam Style is in a month or two.
Most Hysterical Meltdown of 2012: Has to be Karl Rove's total schizophrenic breakdown on Faux News' election night coverage. Things started going south early on for the Mittster, as state after state went into the Obama column. But when the race in Ohio was called and thus the election, Karl Rove crapped his Depends undergarments right on camera and had some sort of grand-mal seizure that made him get all flustered and bug-eyed like a walrus getting a prostate exam. He looked like he was going to pop a sphincter blathering about two or three Republican votes not being counted in some hinterland Ohio county, even though several HUNDRED THOUSAND votes in heavily Democratic Cuyahoga county were still outstanding. But the piece de resistance was when some siliconed Fox newsskank toddled off backstage on her stripper heels and confronted the numbers geeks at the "decision desk" where the Ohio call was made. The math nerds were NOT HAVING any of this "Are you reeeeally sure?" whining, and bitch-slapped that newstrollop (and Karl Rove, by proxy) back to whatever passes for reality on Fox. In the end, Obama won, Karl Rove got banished (for a while) from spewing lies on Faux News, and I had a big ol' glass of chocolate wine. Now THAT was a good night!
The "You Want To Do WHAT?!" Award for 2012: Okay so, there's this dude, right? And he has this balloon thing with a space capsule attached to it and rides it up to over 120,000 feet, which is like 700 miles or something, I don't know. And he opens up the capsule and he's like, right on the edge of outer space! No kidding, it's like the Starship Enterprise could run his ass over if he's not careful. And it's like 500 degress below zero, too. So he starts to crawl out of his space capsule like he totally wants to jump out or something! I KNOW! This other camera shows him looking downward probably thinking either, "Yeah, I can do this, no sweat!" or "This is one of the most f**ked-up things I've ever tried." So he says YOLO and jumps out! On the way down there's no air resistance and he hits over 800 miles an hour, and my cousin told me that's like four times the speed of light. Dude starts to spin and twirl around until he finally remembers to press the SAVE MY ASS button and his parachute opens. Believe it or not he lands safely, but I don't care how many dry cleaners he goes to, he will never get the puke and nasty B.M.s out of that space suit.
Biggest Buzzkill of 2012: Climate change. People keep screwing up the climate and most are completely oblivious to what they are doing. This summer saw the biggest ever melting of Arctic ice, and that by itself has world-wide consequences, mainly in the disruption of long-established weather patterns and warmer-than-normal sea temperatures, which generate bigger, meaner and more destructive storms and hurricanes (hello, Hurricane Sandy). The shape of things to come? Yeah, most likely. Is anything going to be done about it? Not until it's too late.
Best Things of 2012: "The Walking Dead," chocolate wine, Greek yogurt, board game parties with friends, sushi, "Sons of Anarchy," vegetarianism, desert sunsets, more states approving same-sex marriage, clear dark moonless nights, and of course RABBITS!
Worst Things of 2012: Republicans, conservative trolls on Facebook, Fox News, the NRA, religion, terrorism, bigotry, hillbillies with guns, animal abuse, murdered children.
Proof That Some People Still Live in the Dark Ages in 2012: The astonishing, unrepentant and deliberate ignorance of some Republican legislators regarding rape. The very idea of "legitimate" rape, and the belief that a woman's body can "shut down" the pregnancy process after a rape clearly shows that they are beyond any kind of help or redemption. The fact that they are anywhere near a public office shows that their supporters are equally pathetic and worthless, and they deserve nothing but the highest contempt and most strident condemnation.
Extra Credit for Scientific Achievement in 2012: The landing of the Curiosity Mars Rover. Sheer joy, and an absolute, unmitigated triumph. The fact that they were receiving photographs from the surface of Mars within SECONDS of landing is completely mind-blowing.
Mr. "No I Can't Keep It In My Pants and Thank You for Noticing" for 2012: Gen. David Petraeus. Really? Are you that desperate? You just threw away your marriage, your career, your reputation and your legacy. I hope it was worth it, but I'm sure it wasn't.
Loathsome Disgusting Toilet Scum of 2012: Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Mitch McConnell, Eric Cantor, Jim DeMint, Orrin Hatch, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, Allen West, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, that token Negro in the Republican primary debates, Sean Hannity or anyone on Fox News. Sadly, this looks like last year's list. Nothing changes.
Ultimate Obnoxious Blowhard of 2012: Donald Trump. Once again, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that a huge amount of money can't buy even the tiniest iota of class. He truly is a national embarrassment and a disgrace.
Best Reason To Remain Hopeful in 2013: Rachel Maddow said it best in a short promo-segment on MSNBC. She said that in the last election, we had an opportunity to defund Planned Parenthood, institutionalize bigotry by outlawing same-sex marriage, continue giving outlandish, obscene tax breaks to people who already have so much, privatize Social Security and Medicare, pack the Supreme Court with right-wing creeps for decades into the future, and listed a number of other horrible legal consequences of electing Romney president. She said we had the opportunity to do all that... AND WE SAID NO! That fact, that the American electorate finally said enough of the extremist conservative bullshit and decisively kicked the Republican party square in the crotch, means that there is still hope for our democratic form of government.
I'd like to think that 2013 will be better than 2012, but I'm starting to realize that these days, the best you can hope for is that 2013 won't be quite as awful.
Showing posts with label stupidity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stupidity. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Forty-Seven Percent
Yesterday marked 49 days until the elections. Seven weeks, and yesterday was a day not quite like any other.
A surreptitious recording of Republican Mitt Romney at a fundraising event last May in Boca Raton, Florida, was leaked to the media, and it was incendiary. Mitt was in his natural element, talking to a bunch of super-rich supporters who paid $50K per plate to get past the front door, and I have no doubt he really meant everything he said. After all, the event was nominally closed to the new media, and he was among his people. He had no reason to put on any airs for them.
At one point Romney make the astonishing statement that he considers 47% of the American electorate to be freeloaders and victims, and are dependent on the government for all their sustenance. 50 million Americans are, according to Romney, shiftless, lazy, and looking for nothing other than a handout. They feel they are "entitled" to have the government provide food, housing and medical care for them, and do absolutely nothing to fend for themselves or pay their own way. They take everything and give nothing in return. Frankly, I would like to get in on that gig.
The news media went absolutely berserk, as they should, and despite everything else going on in the world this was the big news story. The liberal media had a feeding frenzy, and there was an overabundance of red meat to go around. Even a number of more conservative media outlets and newspapers leveled some withering, merciless criticism on Romney, pointing out in no uncertain terms how totally off-base he was.
The Romney campaign went into major crisis mode, but no amount of whiplash-inducing spin could pull this mess out of the toilet. You could just see his campaign managers running around their office in a panic, bumping into each other, not knowing which forest fire to put out first. But the best was yet to come.
The Romney quote really making the rounds is something that you would never believe a candidate for national office would say. Romney said his "job" is "not to worry about those people" because they will vote for Obama no matter what. So, he is writing off nearly half of the electorate because they do not pay federal income tax, and Romney's tax-cut message would be lost on them.
It is certainly true that a lot of people pay no federal income tax. The tax code is structured in such a way that people of very low income, or senior citizens, or members of the armed forces do not have to pay federal income taxes. That doesn't mean they pay no tax at all. They pay all the other taxes everyone else pays - state tax, local tax, sales taxes, payroll taxes. As a matter of fact, middle and lower classes workers pay payroll taxes, and after you earn $106,800 you pay none at all.
Through all of this, Romney looks the same he always has: ridiculous, stupid, awkward, creepy and floundering around like a fish out of water. His performance in his quest for the White House as been a breathtaking series of gaffes and misstatements, from when he managed to insult the United Kingdom over London's Summer Olympics to writing off any chances of peace in the middle East. He has resolutely refused to turn over anything more than the minimum amount of information regarding his federal income taxes, something which has gained new urgency lately given his assertion that a lot of Americans are bums and leeches. I am convinced that he refuses to make public his tax returns because they will show that HE has not paid anywhere near his fair share of federal income taxes, and perhaps none at all for a number of years. I have four words for him, and I wish every news media outlet in the world would keep repeating them over and over to him: What are you hiding?
Even his phony, brittle wife Ann has reinforced all the negative impressions about her and her husband when, in an interview, the subject of his tax returns came up and she snarled in as imperious a tone as she could muster (and she's had a ton of practice) that "you people" (meaning the press and the American electorate) have gotten all the tax information that you're going to get, so be satisfied with that and STFU.
Still, no one is counting Romney and his campaign out because it doesn't matter to most of his Republican supporters what stupid, ill-advised and idiotic things he says or does, they will support him no matter what. Facts be damned, those people will vote for Romney even if he was proven to be a child molester who set a nursing home on fire while selling China white heroin to grade-schoolers. Republicans are never, ever encumbered by facts or reality. Their racist hatred of Barack Obama is stronger than any love of country or sympathy for their fellow citizens.
Presidential candidates have recovered from serious setbacks in their campaign before, but it's hard to see how Romney can run a credible, viable campaign from here on. It would be very interesting indeed to watch Romney's chances flame out and crumble, but it's impossible to overestimate the capacity of the American voter to see what they want to see, and ignore everything else. And above all, this election season is one where substance takes a distant back seat to style, and if your candidate says or does something really stupid, the best thing to do is double-down, dig your heels in, and deny, obfuscate, and deceive. After all, Republicans could not care less about facts. They have put all their faith in voter suppression drives, and none in the voters themselves.
A surreptitious recording of Republican Mitt Romney at a fundraising event last May in Boca Raton, Florida, was leaked to the media, and it was incendiary. Mitt was in his natural element, talking to a bunch of super-rich supporters who paid $50K per plate to get past the front door, and I have no doubt he really meant everything he said. After all, the event was nominally closed to the new media, and he was among his people. He had no reason to put on any airs for them.
At one point Romney make the astonishing statement that he considers 47% of the American electorate to be freeloaders and victims, and are dependent on the government for all their sustenance. 50 million Americans are, according to Romney, shiftless, lazy, and looking for nothing other than a handout. They feel they are "entitled" to have the government provide food, housing and medical care for them, and do absolutely nothing to fend for themselves or pay their own way. They take everything and give nothing in return. Frankly, I would like to get in on that gig.
The news media went absolutely berserk, as they should, and despite everything else going on in the world this was the big news story. The liberal media had a feeding frenzy, and there was an overabundance of red meat to go around. Even a number of more conservative media outlets and newspapers leveled some withering, merciless criticism on Romney, pointing out in no uncertain terms how totally off-base he was.
The Romney campaign went into major crisis mode, but no amount of whiplash-inducing spin could pull this mess out of the toilet. You could just see his campaign managers running around their office in a panic, bumping into each other, not knowing which forest fire to put out first. But the best was yet to come.
The Romney quote really making the rounds is something that you would never believe a candidate for national office would say. Romney said his "job" is "not to worry about those people" because they will vote for Obama no matter what. So, he is writing off nearly half of the electorate because they do not pay federal income tax, and Romney's tax-cut message would be lost on them.
It is certainly true that a lot of people pay no federal income tax. The tax code is structured in such a way that people of very low income, or senior citizens, or members of the armed forces do not have to pay federal income taxes. That doesn't mean they pay no tax at all. They pay all the other taxes everyone else pays - state tax, local tax, sales taxes, payroll taxes. As a matter of fact, middle and lower classes workers pay payroll taxes, and after you earn $106,800 you pay none at all.
Through all of this, Romney looks the same he always has: ridiculous, stupid, awkward, creepy and floundering around like a fish out of water. His performance in his quest for the White House as been a breathtaking series of gaffes and misstatements, from when he managed to insult the United Kingdom over London's Summer Olympics to writing off any chances of peace in the middle East. He has resolutely refused to turn over anything more than the minimum amount of information regarding his federal income taxes, something which has gained new urgency lately given his assertion that a lot of Americans are bums and leeches. I am convinced that he refuses to make public his tax returns because they will show that HE has not paid anywhere near his fair share of federal income taxes, and perhaps none at all for a number of years. I have four words for him, and I wish every news media outlet in the world would keep repeating them over and over to him: What are you hiding?
Even his phony, brittle wife Ann has reinforced all the negative impressions about her and her husband when, in an interview, the subject of his tax returns came up and she snarled in as imperious a tone as she could muster (and she's had a ton of practice) that "you people" (meaning the press and the American electorate) have gotten all the tax information that you're going to get, so be satisfied with that and STFU.
Still, no one is counting Romney and his campaign out because it doesn't matter to most of his Republican supporters what stupid, ill-advised and idiotic things he says or does, they will support him no matter what. Facts be damned, those people will vote for Romney even if he was proven to be a child molester who set a nursing home on fire while selling China white heroin to grade-schoolers. Republicans are never, ever encumbered by facts or reality. Their racist hatred of Barack Obama is stronger than any love of country or sympathy for their fellow citizens.
Presidential candidates have recovered from serious setbacks in their campaign before, but it's hard to see how Romney can run a credible, viable campaign from here on. It would be very interesting indeed to watch Romney's chances flame out and crumble, but it's impossible to overestimate the capacity of the American voter to see what they want to see, and ignore everything else. And above all, this election season is one where substance takes a distant back seat to style, and if your candidate says or does something really stupid, the best thing to do is double-down, dig your heels in, and deny, obfuscate, and deceive. After all, Republicans could not care less about facts. They have put all their faith in voter suppression drives, and none in the voters themselves.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Stupidest State Contest - Midyear Update
The race for 2010's Stupidest State award has been a nail-biter, even at the 6-month mark. Let's take a look at the field of competitors and see if we will have any breakthroughs in the quest for this coveted, prestigious award. But first, a word or two about the competition itself:
The Stupidest State award is given each year to one of the 50 United States (Guam and Puerto Rico don't count because they are in their own category of stupid) that has shown a staggering, mind-boggling level of idiocy in a whole array of objectionable and completely subjective measurements. These measurements are:
1) General level of innate stupidity among residents. This is when stupidity is the result of some large-scale genetic abnormality or environmental catastrophe which automatically dooms everyone in that state to a profound level of dopiness. It also includes some kind of cultural mandate or a completely degraded educational system, which will guarantee that even if you're born with normal intelligence, you will grow up really dumb no matter what. Example: Texas.
2) Venal, corrupt or insane governor/executive branch. When the head honcho of state government is a classless, raving idiot (don't try to hide, Rod Blagojevich, we see you) it's tough for a state to get out from under that. Unless the state legislature has the intelligence, integrity and morality to force the governor into taking the right actions. HAHAHAHA! Example: Illinois.
3) Prevailing religious tyranny. When a state is influenced in every aspect by a toxic, malignant religious mind-control cult, you can be sure that everything they do will be completely idiotic and counter to any kind of common sense. Example: Utah
4) Batshit-crazy or fundamentalist-controlled regulators or legislature. Regulators and legislators at the state level exercise a frightening amount of control over the lives of the residents and can enforce a dense haze of stupidity which blankets the entire state. This can lead to the passage of stunningly stupid laws and/or denial of the theory of evolution, global warming or a million other issues which everyone learns in the third grade and which normal people around the world regard as valid and serious. Example: Kansas
5) Potential for global embarrassment or species degradation. Often a state will collectively reach a level of idiocy that everyone on earth notices and leads to that state being held up as an universal example of the very worst qualities of humanity. In fact the entire human race is negatively affected by the overwhelming, blinding stupidity of this one group of people. Examples: Alabama, Mississippi
So, with the categories in mind, let's take a look (in alphabetical order) at the slate of contenders we have in the running for 2010's Stupidest State, and their current ratings on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being mildly annoying dumbness and 5 being poisonous, terminal stupidity:
ALASKA: There are some states that you can expect to be in the competition every year, such is the depth and breadth of their inborn, ingrained dumbness. Alaska certainly qualifies on its own merits, but its level of stupid has been catapulted to stratospheric levels by its most prominent citizen, the execrable Sarah Palin. Absolutely everything that comes out of this wretched, ignorant woman's trap is light-years beyond stupid and pathetic. It's as if profound mental retardation has become something to be celebrated and publicized. Hailing from Wasilla - "Where you can smell the stupid in the air" - Palin's continued blight of an existence will ensure that Alaska always has a place near the top of this competition.
Scorecard:
General level of stupid in the population: 4 (They have to be stupid to elect Palin)
Really stupid governor/executive: 2 (Palin is ex-governor)
Prevailing religious tyranny: 1 (Worshiping polar bears is not a religion)
Batshit-crazy legislature: 2 (I'm sure they are, but at least they're quiet)
Potential for global embarrassment: 5
Overall Score: 2.8
ARIZONA: I suppose I should be ashamed that my adoptive home state is in the running, but how can I possibly deny it? After being here for 17 years I am still amazed and confounded by how incredibly stupid and ignorant this state is. First of all I am continually appalled by the number of really disgusting dirtbags, meth-heads and general burn-outs that populate this state. Arizona really is the septic tank for the entire nation; every rabid redneck and drug burn-out case find their way here after they are thrown out of their own state. When they're not stealing copper tubing to feed their substance-abuse habit, some of these scumbags vote and this results in the most unqualified, corrupt and just plain evil people being elected to every single office in this state, from the governor to the state legislature and on down the line to local sheriffs and city council members. This also means you can absolutely count on the legislature to pass the most deadheaded, moronic laws possible, such as the law to allow bar patrons to carry guns and illegal-immigration bill SB 1070, currently embroiling this state in the most destructive, divisive debate ever.
Scorecard:
General level of stupid in the population: 5
Really stupid governor/executive: 5 (Governor-without-a-mandate Jan Brewer is possibly the most incompetent, stupid and just plain loathsome governor since Fife Symington)
Prevailing religious tyranny: 1 (Would be 5 if stupidity was a religion)
Batshit-crazy legislature: 5
Potential for global embarrassment: 4
Overall Score: 4.0
FLORIDA: Another state we can count on being in the competition every year is Florida, the Great-Granddaddy of Crazy. Florida has been batshit-crazy longer than anyone can remember. I guess all the crazy old people from all over the country move down there, and that just makes everything crazier. It's recent selection of governors (Jeb Bush, Charlie Crist) make it clear that the populace has a keen eye for the really stupid and gleefully vote the Crazy Ticket each and every time. Whether passing laws to deny adoption privileges to perfectly fine, qualified gay couples, or blaming the last hurricane on the lack of prayer in public schools, Floridians have shown a level of stupidity and staying-power which is truly world-class.
Scorecard:
General level of stupid in the population: 4
Really stupid governor/executive: 4
Prevailing religious tyranny: 3 (Way too many Southern Baptists)
Batshit-crazy legislature: 4
Potential for global embarrassment: 4
Overall Score: 3.8
NEW JERSEY: Sad little New Jersey hasn't been in the running for a while, not since The Sopranos finished up, but unfortunately for them the recent elevation of "guido culture" in the form of an astonishingly awful reality show Jersey Shore has popped them back into the contest. This has rocketed the perception of New Jersey residents as a bunch of really annoying buffoons. Now everyone in the world thinks the state is overrun by short, stubby women with enormous fake boobs and an exaggerated sense of their own self-worth, and meat-headed men with the brains and maturity level of foul-mouthed ten-year-olds. Even worse, some of these Jersey Shore people weren't even from New Jersey - they were from New York - but that doesn't matter, New Jersey gets the blame for these idiots.
Scorecard:
General level of stupid in the population: 3 (5 near the ocean or in Atlantic City)
Really stupid governor/executive: 0 (I don't even know who the governor is)
Prevailing religious tyranny: 2 (Overly-teased hair and obnoxious accents don't really count as religion)
Batshit-crazy legislature: 2
Potential for global embarrassment: 5
Overall Score: 2.2
SOUTH CAROLINA: This is so exciting, because every so often a new state will pop up in the contest, seemingly out of nowhere. South Carolina had been previously written off as a huge parking lot/trash dump for North Carolina and a support system for moderately interesting places like Myrtle Beach and Charleston. But they have shown a dazzling talent for pure idiocy in a very short time. Their breathtaking rise to the top of the stupid heap started with their hormone-driven ex-governor Mark Sanford who deftly combined a talent for lying and cheating on his wife when he told everyone he went hiking in the Appalachians and instead took a detour way south to go bump nasties with some Argentine strumpet. Then he had the audacity to come back, tail between his legs, and wonder why everyone wanted him to step down from the governorship. Those are some balls you got (or had) there, Mr. Sanford. Then there is Senator Jim Demint, who would love to make kissy-face with all those ignorant racists in the Tea Party and who has never passed up a single opportunity to advance the wishes of his wealthy Republican puppet-masters. And there's much more, but I'll just throw in the little tidbit about South Carolina being the home of Bob Jones University. Look them up, you will be appalled.
Scorecard:
General level of stupid in the population: 5 (There has to be very high lead levels in the water)
Really stupid governor/executive: 5
Prevailing religious tyranny: 5 (Fundamentalist heaven)
Batshit-crazy legislature: 4
Potential for global embarrassment: 5
Overall Score: 4.8
Well, there you have it, the race so far. Alaska and Florida are hanging in there strong, perennial competitors that they are. Arizona is making a full-court press and is a force with which to be reckoned. New Jersey is being dragged into the competition somewhat reluctantly but that's okay, and South Carolina is making an amazingly strong bid for Stupid Supremacy. It will be an interesting time now through the end of the year as the midterm elections come up, and we should always be alert for a state to swoop in out of the blue with a level of stupidity that will dwarf anything we've seen so far. Isn't life grand?
The Stupidest State award is given each year to one of the 50 United States (Guam and Puerto Rico don't count because they are in their own category of stupid) that has shown a staggering, mind-boggling level of idiocy in a whole array of objectionable and completely subjective measurements. These measurements are:
1) General level of innate stupidity among residents. This is when stupidity is the result of some large-scale genetic abnormality or environmental catastrophe which automatically dooms everyone in that state to a profound level of dopiness. It also includes some kind of cultural mandate or a completely degraded educational system, which will guarantee that even if you're born with normal intelligence, you will grow up really dumb no matter what. Example: Texas.
2) Venal, corrupt or insane governor/executive branch. When the head honcho of state government is a classless, raving idiot (don't try to hide, Rod Blagojevich, we see you) it's tough for a state to get out from under that. Unless the state legislature has the intelligence, integrity and morality to force the governor into taking the right actions. HAHAHAHA! Example: Illinois.
3) Prevailing religious tyranny. When a state is influenced in every aspect by a toxic, malignant religious mind-control cult, you can be sure that everything they do will be completely idiotic and counter to any kind of common sense. Example: Utah
4) Batshit-crazy or fundamentalist-controlled regulators or legislature. Regulators and legislators at the state level exercise a frightening amount of control over the lives of the residents and can enforce a dense haze of stupidity which blankets the entire state. This can lead to the passage of stunningly stupid laws and/or denial of the theory of evolution, global warming or a million other issues which everyone learns in the third grade and which normal people around the world regard as valid and serious. Example: Kansas
5) Potential for global embarrassment or species degradation. Often a state will collectively reach a level of idiocy that everyone on earth notices and leads to that state being held up as an universal example of the very worst qualities of humanity. In fact the entire human race is negatively affected by the overwhelming, blinding stupidity of this one group of people. Examples: Alabama, Mississippi
So, with the categories in mind, let's take a look (in alphabetical order) at the slate of contenders we have in the running for 2010's Stupidest State, and their current ratings on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being mildly annoying dumbness and 5 being poisonous, terminal stupidity:
ALASKA: There are some states that you can expect to be in the competition every year, such is the depth and breadth of their inborn, ingrained dumbness. Alaska certainly qualifies on its own merits, but its level of stupid has been catapulted to stratospheric levels by its most prominent citizen, the execrable Sarah Palin. Absolutely everything that comes out of this wretched, ignorant woman's trap is light-years beyond stupid and pathetic. It's as if profound mental retardation has become something to be celebrated and publicized. Hailing from Wasilla - "Where you can smell the stupid in the air" - Palin's continued blight of an existence will ensure that Alaska always has a place near the top of this competition.
Scorecard:
General level of stupid in the population: 4 (They have to be stupid to elect Palin)
Really stupid governor/executive: 2 (Palin is ex-governor)
Prevailing religious tyranny: 1 (Worshiping polar bears is not a religion)
Batshit-crazy legislature: 2 (I'm sure they are, but at least they're quiet)
Potential for global embarrassment: 5
Overall Score: 2.8
ARIZONA: I suppose I should be ashamed that my adoptive home state is in the running, but how can I possibly deny it? After being here for 17 years I am still amazed and confounded by how incredibly stupid and ignorant this state is. First of all I am continually appalled by the number of really disgusting dirtbags, meth-heads and general burn-outs that populate this state. Arizona really is the septic tank for the entire nation; every rabid redneck and drug burn-out case find their way here after they are thrown out of their own state. When they're not stealing copper tubing to feed their substance-abuse habit, some of these scumbags vote and this results in the most unqualified, corrupt and just plain evil people being elected to every single office in this state, from the governor to the state legislature and on down the line to local sheriffs and city council members. This also means you can absolutely count on the legislature to pass the most deadheaded, moronic laws possible, such as the law to allow bar patrons to carry guns and illegal-immigration bill SB 1070, currently embroiling this state in the most destructive, divisive debate ever.
Scorecard:
General level of stupid in the population: 5
Really stupid governor/executive: 5 (Governor-without-a-mandate Jan Brewer is possibly the most incompetent, stupid and just plain loathsome governor since Fife Symington)
Prevailing religious tyranny: 1 (Would be 5 if stupidity was a religion)
Batshit-crazy legislature: 5
Potential for global embarrassment: 4
Overall Score: 4.0
FLORIDA: Another state we can count on being in the competition every year is Florida, the Great-Granddaddy of Crazy. Florida has been batshit-crazy longer than anyone can remember. I guess all the crazy old people from all over the country move down there, and that just makes everything crazier. It's recent selection of governors (Jeb Bush, Charlie Crist) make it clear that the populace has a keen eye for the really stupid and gleefully vote the Crazy Ticket each and every time. Whether passing laws to deny adoption privileges to perfectly fine, qualified gay couples, or blaming the last hurricane on the lack of prayer in public schools, Floridians have shown a level of stupidity and staying-power which is truly world-class.
Scorecard:
General level of stupid in the population: 4
Really stupid governor/executive: 4
Prevailing religious tyranny: 3 (Way too many Southern Baptists)
Batshit-crazy legislature: 4
Potential for global embarrassment: 4
Overall Score: 3.8
NEW JERSEY: Sad little New Jersey hasn't been in the running for a while, not since The Sopranos finished up, but unfortunately for them the recent elevation of "guido culture" in the form of an astonishingly awful reality show Jersey Shore has popped them back into the contest. This has rocketed the perception of New Jersey residents as a bunch of really annoying buffoons. Now everyone in the world thinks the state is overrun by short, stubby women with enormous fake boobs and an exaggerated sense of their own self-worth, and meat-headed men with the brains and maturity level of foul-mouthed ten-year-olds. Even worse, some of these Jersey Shore people weren't even from New Jersey - they were from New York - but that doesn't matter, New Jersey gets the blame for these idiots.
Scorecard:
General level of stupid in the population: 3 (5 near the ocean or in Atlantic City)
Really stupid governor/executive: 0 (I don't even know who the governor is)
Prevailing religious tyranny: 2 (Overly-teased hair and obnoxious accents don't really count as religion)
Batshit-crazy legislature: 2
Potential for global embarrassment: 5
Overall Score: 2.2
SOUTH CAROLINA: This is so exciting, because every so often a new state will pop up in the contest, seemingly out of nowhere. South Carolina had been previously written off as a huge parking lot/trash dump for North Carolina and a support system for moderately interesting places like Myrtle Beach and Charleston. But they have shown a dazzling talent for pure idiocy in a very short time. Their breathtaking rise to the top of the stupid heap started with their hormone-driven ex-governor Mark Sanford who deftly combined a talent for lying and cheating on his wife when he told everyone he went hiking in the Appalachians and instead took a detour way south to go bump nasties with some Argentine strumpet. Then he had the audacity to come back, tail between his legs, and wonder why everyone wanted him to step down from the governorship. Those are some balls you got (or had) there, Mr. Sanford. Then there is Senator Jim Demint, who would love to make kissy-face with all those ignorant racists in the Tea Party and who has never passed up a single opportunity to advance the wishes of his wealthy Republican puppet-masters. And there's much more, but I'll just throw in the little tidbit about South Carolina being the home of Bob Jones University. Look them up, you will be appalled.
Scorecard:
General level of stupid in the population: 5 (There has to be very high lead levels in the water)
Really stupid governor/executive: 5
Prevailing religious tyranny: 5 (Fundamentalist heaven)
Batshit-crazy legislature: 4
Potential for global embarrassment: 5
Overall Score: 4.8
Well, there you have it, the race so far. Alaska and Florida are hanging in there strong, perennial competitors that they are. Arizona is making a full-court press and is a force with which to be reckoned. New Jersey is being dragged into the competition somewhat reluctantly but that's okay, and South Carolina is making an amazingly strong bid for Stupid Supremacy. It will be an interesting time now through the end of the year as the midterm elections come up, and we should always be alert for a state to swoop in out of the blue with a level of stupidity that will dwarf anything we've seen so far. Isn't life grand?
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