EyeWitless News

(6 p.m., turning television on...)

Voiceover: EyeWitless News, Phoenix's oldest and loudest news program... with reporters Jim Redact and Cynthia Kluski-Zoupa, starts NOW!

Redact: Good evening. We begin our broadcast with breaking news. (Turns to left side) Adam Lambert, runner-up in the recent "American Idol" talent contest, has just announced that he is gay! (Cut to Kluski-Zoupa)

Kluski-Zoupa: That's right, Jim. The stunning disclosure came in the most recent Rolling Stone magazine and was quickly picked up by every other media outlet in the country, even the National Review. And it seems that it caught just about everyone completely off-guard. For details, let's go to reporter Ray Cathode on scene in Hollywood. (Cut to remote shot).

Cathode: Jim, Hollywood has been in an uproar ever since the news first hit several hours ago, and as you can see from the burning buildings and overturned cars behind me, it hasn't been received all that well. There are reports of shock, anxiety and complete disbelief from all corners of the world. Let's sample some of that, and go over to our correspondent in London. (Cut to 2nd remote)

Random English Guy: Well, mate, I was just havin' a cuppa with the hen when word came on the telly that that Glambert bloke likes to have bum fun. Well the missus fell off her stool onto 'er arse and commenced to rollin' round on the floor caterwaulin' that it was all bogwash and Glambert ain't no poufter. Neither of us 'ad 'im spotted as a rent boy and we reckoned it was some right codswallop. We was gobsmacked! (Cut back to previous remote)

Cathode: Um... yeah, well, that conveys very clearly the sense of disorientation and confusion that has almost universally greeted this news. Emergency rooms and hospitals all over the country have been flooded with patients complaining of symptoms ranging from simple lightheadedness to advanced schizophrenia as people try to cope with the ramifications of this admission. Take a look at this. (Cut to 3rd remote)

Random American Housewife: Well we just can't believe it. We hoped is wasn't true but when we saw the latest issue of Rolling Stone we knew it was. We didn't think all the leather outfits and eye makeup meant anything, everyone in Hollywood wears that. Even my sister's kid wears eyeliner and he likes girls. We think. Anyhow this is really upsetting to my daughter Kelly who stayed up for 23 hours straight voting for him. She actually took his picture off her bedroom wall and put the Jonas Brothers back up. (Cut back to first remote)

Cathode: There you have it, Jim. We have also heard rumors that the daughter of singer Cher and the late Sonny Bono, Chastity Bono, is going to undergo a sex change, but that hasn't been confirmed yet and we feel certain it is a cruel hoax, calculated only to make people's anxiety worse. Back to you in the studio. (Cut to anchor desk)

Redact: Thanks, Ray. Reports keep coming in from every corner of the country expressing complete disbelief and denial on the Lambert disclosure. We will resume our team coverage in a minute. (Turns to right side) In other news, the National Institutes of Health have announced the discovery of a treatment for cancer which is made from nitrogen, sea water and sand and has proven 99.7% effective in eliminating all forms of the disease. Also, scientists at NASA have confirmed that they have been in communication with a highly advanced alien civilization in the Canopus star system eleven light-years from earth, who have promised to share with Earth their advanced technologies if we would send them Paris Hilton. NASA confirmed that Ms. Hilton has already been strapped to a Saturn-5 booster rocket sitting on a launch pad at Cape Kennedy and they are awaiting further instructions from the aliens. (Turns to right side again, is now facing away from camera) We'll be back with more about the Lambert announcement after these messages. (Cut to twenty minutes of commercials)