Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Ben Quayle is the WORST Candidate in History

Ben Quayle, erstwhile candidate for one of Arizona's Congressional seats and son of even more-erstwhile former Vice President Dan Quayle, is making a bit of a splash in the local political mud puddle with his 30-second TV ad in which he proclaims Obama the worst president ever. While I'm not going to bore everyone with arguing the point, such as it is, I did happen to come across the original audio of the taping session for the ad. As a public service, it is transcribed below:

PRODUCER: Okay there, Benny-boy, are you ready to do this ad? Your dad paid a pretty penny for this studio time so let's get crackin' here, shall we? All you have to do is read what's on those cards taped to the wall over there. They're printed out extra-big so there won't be a problem. You okay with that?

QUAYLE: Yeah, I think so. I just have to read those cards? Am I allowed to make up stuff?

PRODUCER: Yeah, I guess you can, just don't go too far off-message. So look right into that camera there and give me your sternest look. You ready?

QUAYLE: Yeah, let's do it ... wait, my butt itches.

PRODUCER: Your what itches?? Little too much info there, Benny, but go ahead and take care of business so we can start taping.

(Several awkward seconds ensue.)

QUAYLE: I'm done.

PRODUCER: All right, here we go. Ben Quayle TV ad, take one .... go!

QUAYLE: "Barack Obama is the blackest president in history."

PRODUCER: CUT! The "blackest president in history?" Where did that come from? The card says "worst president in history," not "blackest president in history."

QUAYLE: My dad says they're the same thing. And besides, you said I could make up stuff.

PRODUCER: Yeah, and obviously that was not one of my better ideas. Tell you what, Benster, just stick with the cards as they are and believe me, things will work out much better. So let's take it from the top. Look into the camera and ... Ben Quayle TV ad, take two ... go!

QUAYLE: "Barack Obama is the worst president in history. My generation will inherit a weakened America. Drug cartels in Mexico, tax cartels in D. C. What's ..."

PRODUCER: CUT! Did you say "tax cartel?" What is a tax cartel?

QUAYLE: I don't know, my dad told me to say that.

(Quayle's Blackberry beeps, he takes it out to look at it.)

QUAYLE: Hey! Somebody just friended me on Facebook! That means I got 4 friends now!

PRODUCER: What? Are you kidding me?

QUAYLE: Oh, wait... darn it, that's just my cousin Luann. Aunt Jennie told Mom she was going to make Luann friend me.

PRODUCER: ??! - Whatever, let's get back on track, shall we? Take it again from right after 'tax cartel' at the top of the second card. You ready?

(Blackberry beeps again)

QUAYLE: Damn. She just un-friended me.

PRODUCER: Good Lord, let's go already. Ben Quayle TV ad, take three ... go!

QUAYLE: "What's happened to America? I love Arizona. I was raised in a filthy rich section of Paradise Valley with Mexican gardeners and nannies and cooks and ..."

PRODUCER: CUT!!!! What the hell was that?

QUAYLE: Dad thought it would be a good idea to emphasize the human-interest angle, let people know we're just plain folks.

PRODUCER: Your dad isn't running for office, and if you say that filthy-rich stuff the only thing you'll be running for is cover when they come after you. AGAIN! And just read the cards! Ben Quayle TV ad, take four ... go.

QUAYLE: "What's happened to America. I love Arizona. I was raised right. Somebody has to go to Washington and bitch-slap the crap out of those old farts."

PRODUCER: CUT!!!! CUT!!! What on earth are you doing??

QUAYLE: The stuff on the card isn't strong enough. I want to show people I'm passionate.

PRODUCER: Passionate? You sound like a pissed-off drag queen when you say that. Either come up with something macho, or stick to the script. Got it? Now do it again! Sweet Baby Jesus - Ben Quayle TV ad, take five ... GO!

QUAYLE: "What's happened to America. I love Arizona. I was raised right. Somebody has to go to Washington and kick the fucking shit out of those..."


QUAYLE: Okay, okay! "Somebody has to go to Washington and knock the hell out of the place. My name's Ben Quayle, and I approved this message."

PRODUCER: And ... cut! Thank God we got through that. Actually, it looked fairly okay. I want you to do that last line over again and instead of just sitting there, I want you to get up and walk forward to your right. Your face will be in shadow but I think it will be a good, serious ending and will show you as a no-nonsense kind of guy. You think you can do just the last line one more time, Ben-O-Rama?

QUAYLE: Yeah, yeah, I can do it. Let's go, it's almost time for Wheel of Fortune.

PRODUCER: Ben Quayle TV ad, take six ... go.

QUAYLE: "My name's Ben Quayle, and I approved this message."

(Quayle gets up and walks off-camera. There is a loud noise as he walks into some equipment.)

QUAYLE: OWW! My knee! MOMMIE!!!!!

PRODUCER: Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

P.S. Watch the finished video here:

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